#BreaktheSilence
I am a very private person by nature, I always have been; but recent events have swayed me to finally share my story. My silence hasn't helped anyone but perhaps my story will. Our society has come far in many ways, but in others there is still a painfully long way to go. Domestic violence is one of those taboo topics you just don't talk about, especially in affluent areas like mine and in the past it's often been met with the "not my business" mentality. Unfortunately, the out-of-sight out-of-mind kind of thinking is just making matters worse. By not openly talking about such topics we're condemning those affected and closing them off from help. Domestic violence happens all across the board regardless of race, sex or income. 1 in 4 woman will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime. One in four. Let that number really sink in. That's a lot, so why don't we hear or talk about it more? Our society has created a victim-shaming culture that these abusers are thriving in. If it's not the fear of victim-shaming keeping the abused quiet, or people turning a blind eye (although in many cases that happens too) ignorance is to blame. I know I was ignorant. I remember having a conversation with a flat mate in college about one of her friends going through it. I remember saying "I just don't get it. If someone hurt me once I'd be gone." (I too victim-blamed: I was putting the problem on the girl leaving not the guy abusing) She had responded, "I just don't think it's that simple." I had shrugged and we had changed topics. Little did I know how right she had been. Had you told me then that I would marry an abuser I wouldn't have believed it. I knew better. Truth was, I knew nothing.
Abusers don't just meet someone and start swinging on the first date. If that were the case no one would ever find themselves in an abusive relationship. They are charming, they are caring and charismatic, often outgoing and can be very successful in their careers. They may have a lot of 'acquaintances' on the surface but a closer look would reveal they aren't truly close with anyone or let anyone close enough to see the real them. So on the outside everyone sees a normal, even nice, person. They mirror exactly what you need or what you're looking for in a companion, they morph into whatever you idea of 'perfect' is. You're a dog person? They think your dogs are the cutest things they've ever seen. You're laid back? Them too! They love just going with the flow, they're down for anything! In the beginning they are the ultimate chameleon, mirroring everything you could ever have wanted. I had just moved back to my hometown, running from a horrific experience abroad. I had been drugged and raped by my neighbor. I was so traumatized I dropped out of University, only a semester away from graduating on the dean's list. I returned home to move back in with my parents. I was not in a stable place mentally and met him not long after. We had a whirlwind romance, which had I known what to look for then, is a huge red flag. We met and immediately we were spending every day together. He would even call in to work sick so he could spend more time with me. He had nothing else to do but devote his time to me, how romantic, right? We used to stay up for hours and talk, I told him things in the first week of knowing him I hadn't told anyone. I instantly felt drawn to him, close to him. I could completely be myself and he was still right there smiling and nodding and soon "loved" me for me. He accepted me and all my faults I was sure no one could love. He was there for me most in this vulnerable time of need. He had confided in me too, he had been abused by both his parents as a child and was now trying to distance himself from his dysfunctional family. We understood one anothers' painful pasts and it brought us even closer together. I had never felt that connection with anyone, I was hooked.
Within three weeks of meeting him he was talking about marriage. Ever since I was old enough to talk I had always said I would never get married. I wanted to adopt kids, I wanted a career, if I met a nice guy along the way who was down for the ride, great, if not I was perfectly fine on my own. "No, you want to get married." He had said, "Everyone wants to get married." I had laughed. But after hours of him talking about it and convincing me he had managed to get me excited for the idea. Had I actually met the one? Here was this guy I barely knew and I was falling in love with him. I had always been the girl who never felt attached to any guy. It must be fate, it must be meant to be, he was supposed to be my husband. Surely.
He proposed a month later and I giddily said yes, but deep down something felt off. There we were alone in my apartment on my couch where he had proposed with his divorced grandmother's gold ring (because the kind I liked didn't look enough like a 'real' wedding ring - 'how would people know I was engaged?'). It was where we spent most our time those days. The first month we had gone out with all my friends, even driving to Columbia and back to my friend's party. I was a very social person and "[he] was too". Slowly he had moved into my place, he was always there, text me all day while I was at work, then came right over after, he started talking me out of other people's invites, he just wanted to spend time with me he'd said. But this was love, right? What girl didn't want a devoted guy who just loved being around them so much? This is how it was supposed to be. I called all my friends and family and told them the news. He'd made a quick call to his brother.
It wasn't long until more red flags started popping up. We went to Subway to pick up sandwiches and on the drive home I noticed he was abnormally quiet and seemed irked. I asked what was up. It was nothing. I asked again when we sat at our table eating when his mood hadn't improved. "I can't believe you would flirt with that guy and right in front of me." he blurted. I was taken aback. "What guy? It's just been you and I." He glared. "The subway guy?" I asked as that was the only other human I had even seen other than him that day. "Yes. The subway guy." he spat. "I didn't even talk to him I just ordered my sandwich? Did I say whole wheat really sexily?" I had joked. "It was the way you said tomato." he retorted. "Then he asked you what you wanted and you laughed and said it again." I was dumbfounded. After a discussion he was able to laugh it off and he let it go, chalking it up to "adjusting to being engaged". That exchange left me feeling really off and bothered for a couple weeks, but things carried on and he seemed fine after that. Just nerves I had told myself and let it go.
His neurotic and controlling behavior was spread out at first, just an occasional problem popping up here or there. Stressed with the wedding planning. Adjusting to living together. Getting used to the idea of marriage. Trying to let go of his single life. Hadn't this been his idea? It bothered me, but it was a lot of change and a huge life altering moment we were building up to. That was all that was under his skin. I just needed to cut him some slack. Eventually he made me delete all photos with guys in them, cut off ties with old friends or any past boyfriends I still talked to, defriend exes on facebook. He needed it to start our lives together. A small sacrifice I should be willing to make in exchange for marrying the love of my life, right? So he needed a little more comfort and reassurance than I did. So what.
His lack of empathy was the next thing to surface. More scenarios kept popping up where I found him unable to put himself in anyone else's shoes. If it wasn't happening to him he didn't have any sympathy, regardless of the situation or the person, he was above it all. The rules he applied to me and other people never seemed to apply to himself. Everything was always everyone else's fault. It got to the point where we were fighting every week. It would end with him screaming and me in tears. Where had my dream fiancé gone? They always said weddings and getting married was stressful but I didn't think it should look anything like this. This is completely normal, everyone fights, he assured me, we're just learning to work with each other. After every bad fight he would come home with a gift of jewelry or show up to my work with flowers. Everyone swooned, "You're so lucky." they all said. I felt sick to my stomach. I became withdrawn from my friends and family. I was depressed. It would take me days to bounce back after every fight only just in time to have another one thrown at me.
I didn't understand what was happening.
I was so worn down that every little thing these days seemed to spark anger in him, I felt like I was walking on egg shells but yet nothing I did was ever good enough even when I went out of my way to try and not ignite him. One time I was so worn down and sick I got the flu and was stuck in bed from work for a few days. On the third day he brought home cupcakes to 'cheer me up'. It was such a sweet gesture to try and make me feel better. I had gotten up and bit into one. It was delicious. "What are you doing?" he asked me, staring. I froze. Had he said they were for after dinner? "Eating. . . a cupcake." I replied slowly, unsure what he was upset at now. "Are you kidding me?" he exploded, "You're sick and you're eating a cupcake? You are unbelievable. You're trying to stay sick so I have to take care of you!"
That's around the time the physical abuse started. I was so fed up and emotionally exhausted with his irrational outbursts and controlling behavior I just started walking away from his ranting, I wasn't going to deal with the hours of constant harping and irrational circles he talked in. That didn't sit too well with him. How dare I walk away from him. He used to pin me down, scream and spit in my face, he would throw me to the floor, he'd bang my head on walls, push his fingers into my eyes, choke me and rip my clothing off. He would throw me into furniture, steal my wallet and keys, smash my phone; anything to prevent me from leaving. He would chase me until he could block me in a room or get on top of me. Later claiming he had just been trying to "talk" or "hug [me]" or calm me down. One time he threw me in the shower and held me under the water before he threw me outside and locked the door with nowhere to go and having just moved to a new area. My clothes had become see through- I was left scared and humiliated. He would say I had a serious anger problem and I made him do it. He blamed it on me being raped, saying I was a damaged girl, that there was something wrong with me. He would try to tear open my old wounds. I used to just try to escape, then eventually I tried to fight back which just made him even more hysterical. He would scream that I was evil and loved playing the victim and that everyone should know what a worthless bitch I was. Fights that had started because of a simple question or because I had an "attitude" or perhaps I hadn't done something the way he had wanted; would turn in to him screaming that everyone hated me and that they felt bad for him having to be with me, that I was the dumbest person he had ever met and if it weren't for him no one would want me.
I didn't know how to make it stop.
Abusers don't just meet someone and start swinging on the first date. If that were the case no one would ever find themselves in an abusive relationship. They are charming, they are caring and charismatic, often outgoing and can be very successful in their careers. They may have a lot of 'acquaintances' on the surface but a closer look would reveal they aren't truly close with anyone or let anyone close enough to see the real them. So on the outside everyone sees a normal, even nice, person. They mirror exactly what you need or what you're looking for in a companion, they morph into whatever you idea of 'perfect' is. You're a dog person? They think your dogs are the cutest things they've ever seen. You're laid back? Them too! They love just going with the flow, they're down for anything! In the beginning they are the ultimate chameleon, mirroring everything you could ever have wanted. I had just moved back to my hometown, running from a horrific experience abroad. I had been drugged and raped by my neighbor. I was so traumatized I dropped out of University, only a semester away from graduating on the dean's list. I returned home to move back in with my parents. I was not in a stable place mentally and met him not long after. We had a whirlwind romance, which had I known what to look for then, is a huge red flag. We met and immediately we were spending every day together. He would even call in to work sick so he could spend more time with me. He had nothing else to do but devote his time to me, how romantic, right? We used to stay up for hours and talk, I told him things in the first week of knowing him I hadn't told anyone. I instantly felt drawn to him, close to him. I could completely be myself and he was still right there smiling and nodding and soon "loved" me for me. He accepted me and all my faults I was sure no one could love. He was there for me most in this vulnerable time of need. He had confided in me too, he had been abused by both his parents as a child and was now trying to distance himself from his dysfunctional family. We understood one anothers' painful pasts and it brought us even closer together. I had never felt that connection with anyone, I was hooked.
Within three weeks of meeting him he was talking about marriage. Ever since I was old enough to talk I had always said I would never get married. I wanted to adopt kids, I wanted a career, if I met a nice guy along the way who was down for the ride, great, if not I was perfectly fine on my own. "No, you want to get married." He had said, "Everyone wants to get married." I had laughed. But after hours of him talking about it and convincing me he had managed to get me excited for the idea. Had I actually met the one? Here was this guy I barely knew and I was falling in love with him. I had always been the girl who never felt attached to any guy. It must be fate, it must be meant to be, he was supposed to be my husband. Surely.
He proposed a month later and I giddily said yes, but deep down something felt off. There we were alone in my apartment on my couch where he had proposed with his divorced grandmother's gold ring (because the kind I liked didn't look enough like a 'real' wedding ring - 'how would people know I was engaged?'). It was where we spent most our time those days. The first month we had gone out with all my friends, even driving to Columbia and back to my friend's party. I was a very social person and "[he] was too". Slowly he had moved into my place, he was always there, text me all day while I was at work, then came right over after, he started talking me out of other people's invites, he just wanted to spend time with me he'd said. But this was love, right? What girl didn't want a devoted guy who just loved being around them so much? This is how it was supposed to be. I called all my friends and family and told them the news. He'd made a quick call to his brother.
It wasn't long until more red flags started popping up. We went to Subway to pick up sandwiches and on the drive home I noticed he was abnormally quiet and seemed irked. I asked what was up. It was nothing. I asked again when we sat at our table eating when his mood hadn't improved. "I can't believe you would flirt with that guy and right in front of me." he blurted. I was taken aback. "What guy? It's just been you and I." He glared. "The subway guy?" I asked as that was the only other human I had even seen other than him that day. "Yes. The subway guy." he spat. "I didn't even talk to him I just ordered my sandwich? Did I say whole wheat really sexily?" I had joked. "It was the way you said tomato." he retorted. "Then he asked you what you wanted and you laughed and said it again." I was dumbfounded. After a discussion he was able to laugh it off and he let it go, chalking it up to "adjusting to being engaged". That exchange left me feeling really off and bothered for a couple weeks, but things carried on and he seemed fine after that. Just nerves I had told myself and let it go.
His neurotic and controlling behavior was spread out at first, just an occasional problem popping up here or there. Stressed with the wedding planning. Adjusting to living together. Getting used to the idea of marriage. Trying to let go of his single life. Hadn't this been his idea? It bothered me, but it was a lot of change and a huge life altering moment we were building up to. That was all that was under his skin. I just needed to cut him some slack. Eventually he made me delete all photos with guys in them, cut off ties with old friends or any past boyfriends I still talked to, defriend exes on facebook. He needed it to start our lives together. A small sacrifice I should be willing to make in exchange for marrying the love of my life, right? So he needed a little more comfort and reassurance than I did. So what.
His lack of empathy was the next thing to surface. More scenarios kept popping up where I found him unable to put himself in anyone else's shoes. If it wasn't happening to him he didn't have any sympathy, regardless of the situation or the person, he was above it all. The rules he applied to me and other people never seemed to apply to himself. Everything was always everyone else's fault. It got to the point where we were fighting every week. It would end with him screaming and me in tears. Where had my dream fiancé gone? They always said weddings and getting married was stressful but I didn't think it should look anything like this. This is completely normal, everyone fights, he assured me, we're just learning to work with each other. After every bad fight he would come home with a gift of jewelry or show up to my work with flowers. Everyone swooned, "You're so lucky." they all said. I felt sick to my stomach. I became withdrawn from my friends and family. I was depressed. It would take me days to bounce back after every fight only just in time to have another one thrown at me.
I didn't understand what was happening.
I was so worn down that every little thing these days seemed to spark anger in him, I felt like I was walking on egg shells but yet nothing I did was ever good enough even when I went out of my way to try and not ignite him. One time I was so worn down and sick I got the flu and was stuck in bed from work for a few days. On the third day he brought home cupcakes to 'cheer me up'. It was such a sweet gesture to try and make me feel better. I had gotten up and bit into one. It was delicious. "What are you doing?" he asked me, staring. I froze. Had he said they were for after dinner? "Eating. . . a cupcake." I replied slowly, unsure what he was upset at now. "Are you kidding me?" he exploded, "You're sick and you're eating a cupcake? You are unbelievable. You're trying to stay sick so I have to take care of you!"
That's around the time the physical abuse started. I was so fed up and emotionally exhausted with his irrational outbursts and controlling behavior I just started walking away from his ranting, I wasn't going to deal with the hours of constant harping and irrational circles he talked in. That didn't sit too well with him. How dare I walk away from him. He used to pin me down, scream and spit in my face, he would throw me to the floor, he'd bang my head on walls, push his fingers into my eyes, choke me and rip my clothing off. He would throw me into furniture, steal my wallet and keys, smash my phone; anything to prevent me from leaving. He would chase me until he could block me in a room or get on top of me. Later claiming he had just been trying to "talk" or "hug [me]" or calm me down. One time he threw me in the shower and held me under the water before he threw me outside and locked the door with nowhere to go and having just moved to a new area. My clothes had become see through- I was left scared and humiliated. He would say I had a serious anger problem and I made him do it. He blamed it on me being raped, saying I was a damaged girl, that there was something wrong with me. He would try to tear open my old wounds. I used to just try to escape, then eventually I tried to fight back which just made him even more hysterical. He would scream that I was evil and loved playing the victim and that everyone should know what a worthless bitch I was. Fights that had started because of a simple question or because I had an "attitude" or perhaps I hadn't done something the way he had wanted; would turn in to him screaming that everyone hated me and that they felt bad for him having to be with me, that I was the dumbest person he had ever met and if it weren't for him no one would want me.
I didn't know how to make it stop.
Our relationship went in waves, he would be loving and doting and sweet for a period, apologetic even sometimes just to the point where I would start to think this time would be different. Maybe he was better, he saw he was wrong and was going to change. Everyone kept saying we were the picture perfect couple. Then days leading up to it I could feel the tension in the air. I always knew when another episode was coming, he was irritable at anything and short and disconnected. Then there would be the inevitable blow out and the abuse. It didn't matter if I gave him 'an excuse' or not, it would happen. I remember one time he lost it because I didn't ask for his help enough. After he was done being abusive it was all just because he 'cared about me' and wanted to make sure I didn't have 'too much on my plate.' It was mind boggling and confusing. I felt like I was going crazy.
I was lost and everything in this new world no longer made sense to me.
After the damage, he would do or say anything to keep the toxic cycle going. He would break down crying and say he didn't want to be like this and only I could help him get through this, I was the only one who understood what he had been through as a child. He would promise to seek counseling or attend AA or both, anything to get better, but he needed my help doing it. We saw countless counselors and therapists. He would change, he promised. It was the last time, he swore. He would beg me saying he was so in love with me he would die if I left him, how could I desert him in his time of need? He even pretended to overdose on old prescription pills when I didn't come home one night after fleeing from another fight. Other times when I was more worn down he would pretend like it didn't even happen and if I tried to talk about it he would gear up for another fight until I just caved and stayed silent, just thankful for the temporary peace. The worst times, he would even blame me saying I had anger issues and was emotionally abusive by trying to walk away from him, he would make me recite apologies to him for my behavior and make me 'prove' my love to him. He would go off on me again if it didn't seem genuine enough. I had completely lost all control of my life. I felt completely hollow inside.
I knew in my heart this wasn't right but I felt sorry for this broken boy and knew that guy I fell in love with was in there, somewhere. I just had to help him get through this and he would see what life could be like. I thought I could help him, I thought I could get that amazing man back and everything would be whole again. I was left so torn down, broken and confused. By the time things have escalated to this level the abusers have their victims exactly where they want them. They've withdrawn from family and friends. They're afraid to speak out because part of them wants to protect the abuser. What if he could get better, then all these people wouldn't be able to see past this ugliness because they didn't know him the way you did. Maybe he told you no one would believe you.
Outside of the house he had it so together. On top of the fear, he has control of your finances and housing and transportation and other necessities. When I went into the relationship I had a great job, my own car and tons of close friends, by the end I found myself jobless, carless and completely removed from everyone important in my life. He kept a constant eye on what I looked up and who I talked to. Essentially, I was trapped in an endless cycle. He sent me to the ER when I was 7 months pregnant and had smashed my phone to pieces when I tried to call 911 for help, a neighbor had to call me a taxi when I managed to escape. But, I had returned home to him after I was discharged the following day because I had nowhere else to go. I remember standing in the crowded lobby of the hospital with no phone and no idea where I was in a new state. I lingered by the front desk attendant then chickened out. I was too ashamed and too afraid to make the call to my parents, I didn't know what to say or where to start. I was afraid of what would happen if I left my dogs behind. So I had walked outside and wandered until I was able to find my way back home to him. He was waiting angrily, upset I hadn't been answering my (smashed) phone. On average it takes women up to 7 times to leave their abusers. It's a combination of lack of resources, finances, support, denial and fear. If they are like this when they're "in love" with you, you can't imagine what they'll be like when they actually have something to be mad about. About 4,000 women get murdered each year by domestic violence and about 75% of these happen when they are trying to leave the relationship.
Outside of the house he had it so together. On top of the fear, he has control of your finances and housing and transportation and other necessities. When I went into the relationship I had a great job, my own car and tons of close friends, by the end I found myself jobless, carless and completely removed from everyone important in my life. He kept a constant eye on what I looked up and who I talked to. Essentially, I was trapped in an endless cycle. He sent me to the ER when I was 7 months pregnant and had smashed my phone to pieces when I tried to call 911 for help, a neighbor had to call me a taxi when I managed to escape. But, I had returned home to him after I was discharged the following day because I had nowhere else to go. I remember standing in the crowded lobby of the hospital with no phone and no idea where I was in a new state. I lingered by the front desk attendant then chickened out. I was too ashamed and too afraid to make the call to my parents, I didn't know what to say or where to start. I was afraid of what would happen if I left my dogs behind. So I had walked outside and wandered until I was able to find my way back home to him. He was waiting angrily, upset I hadn't been answering my (smashed) phone. On average it takes women up to 7 times to leave their abusers. It's a combination of lack of resources, finances, support, denial and fear. If they are like this when they're "in love" with you, you can't imagine what they'll be like when they actually have something to be mad about. About 4,000 women get murdered each year by domestic violence and about 75% of these happen when they are trying to leave the relationship.
I was left heart broken and mourning a man that never even existed.
The last words my husband said to me before I had to flee to a hotel with my daughter for the last time were, "You would be worth more to me dead than alive, at least then I could collect your insurance money." After hours in a rage and breaking into the nursery I had barricaded myself and my daughter into, he had picked me up and thrown me on the couch his face inches from mine his hands on my neck. His eyes were dilated as he glared into mine. Alcohol staining his breath. I had managed to get our daughter strapped into her car seat and she was mere feet away crying. Something made him pause and he let me go long enough for me to run to our daughter and I was able to get out the door into the city rain. It was the middle of the night. He laughed as he yelled after me saying I didn't know where he had parked the car. I pressed on, down the dark street trying to cover my baby as much as I could from the cold, tears streaming down my face. "If you leave, I'll let these dogs out. They'll be ran over in seconds." he called out in his last attempts to get me to turn around "I've already cancelled your credit cards you'll have no money!" My daughter's life and safety were more important to me than anything else. I rather risk the dangers of the streets of New Jersey in the middle of the night alone and the looming threat of losing my beloved dogs than being held hostage in a house with my daughter from him, for one more day. My daughter was my savior. She gave me the strength I needed to leave him for good. She deserved better.
The week I filed for divorce, he knew I wasn't coming back. He drained our entire savings and bank account, locking me out of our 401 K and stocks, and closed all my credit cards. My daughter and I were left with damaged credit and $11 to our name. He had insured I had no money for lawyers let alone to cover the bills I was left with. I still didn't go back to him this time. When that didn't work he threatened me saying he would call the police and say I kidnapped our daughter. He filed an emergency motion saying I had abducted her and tried to get the state to force us to go back to New Jersey. My New Jersey landlord, who was a police officer, had information to help me win the case easier but told me he was sorry he "didn't want to get involved." Neighbors were too afraid to give testimonies because they still had to live around him and feared his backlash. The months following me filing for divorce were absolute hell. I was constantly looking over my shoulder and terrified he would somehow sway the court and he would have access to hurt our daughter without me there to protect her. He dragged the hearing on for months and made outrageous accusations to run up lawyer costs knowing full well I had no way to pay them. If I wasn't surrounded by a supportive loving family I would have wound up in a shelter, homeless or like so many other victims sent helplessly back to their abusers out of shear hopelessness and fear.
I honestly feel if I had known more about domestic abuse and the signs to look for; I would have seen him for exactly what he is and could have gotten out in the beginning or not even started it at all. He wasn't a helpless broken guy who needed love and support, he was an abuser and meant every strategic move he made. Abusers can be anyone. They can lead highly successful careers, they can be handsome and funny, or shy and charming. Not all abusers are physical they can be verbally and mentally abusive too, which can be just as debilitating to the victim. Abuse takes many forms. I think the only way to help begin to solve this problem in our society is to stop ignoring it and start the discussion by shedding some light on it. Enlightening some people so they can prevent themselves from winding up in these situations, and breaking the silence to help those already in it. The silence and 'not my business' mentality or the victim-blaming our society tends to take is protecting the abusers and helping them hide from their actions and keeping the victims from receiving support. If you see signs of abuse of someone you love reach out to them (in person, don't ever put anything in writing in case their things are being watched-it can make their situation worse) give them a safe environment to talk, if you find yourself in an endless cycle reach out to someone you trust (who you know it won't get back to your abuser) and break the silence, look into shelters or other resources that can help you when you can safely, and if at all possible physically distance yourself from your abuser.
It can get better.
#BreakTheSilence
My daughter and I are still fighting our battle and it's far from over. I filed for bifurcation and got a divorce before the parenting arrangement was settled. We are still fighting over the parenting agreement in court. To date my ex has only come to see our daughter three times in a limited supervised setting, but he has now filed a motion to get unsupervised.
Through the court I am being forced to put up with his continued harassment through messaging and court ordered Skype calls with our daughter. They are trying to force me into joint "co-parent meetings"with him. Every visit he has come to see her he has stalked me and circled the building waiting for me to come get our daughter, 15 minutes after he was supposed to have left the premises. I reported this to The Layne Project (the organization responsible for ensuring the safety of my daughter during his visits) every time and yet nothing has been done to prevent it or assure my daughter and I's safety.
I was told by lawyers on multiple occasions that I needed to downplay the abuse in court because it made ME look bad for being with him in the first place. Once I was even told that he had been abusive to ME, that didn't necessarily make him a bad father. Our society is quick to victim blame and creates a culture these abusers thrive in. There is no real punishment for their actions. He had to be court ordered twice to pay child support and still refused yet nothing happened. I was working 50+ hours a week and still couldn't make ends meet and yet I was the one having to jump through hoops for him (even paying for part of his supervised visits when we were receiving no support in return). His wages finally had to be garnished. I was court-ordered to give him our daughter's daycare information ("because a father should have the right to call and check in") and within hours of receiving it he called and tried to get my pick up/drop off times and even threatened to show up. He called in pretending to be someone else and asked about their video monitoring system. I was terrified for my daughter's safety and immediately told our court appointed GAL (the lawyer appointed by the court to look out for the child's best interest) and she never followed up on this and simply said it was on her 'to-do list'. This was in October, it was never looked in to. I asked the owner of the day care if they could write out what he had said on the phone and yet again I was met with a "we don't want to get involved".
We were court ordered to only communicate through a third party e-mail server and limited to just updates on our daughter. He would send me countless harassing emails. Not once did anyone read or follow-up on these. This third party server, "Family Wizard" is a paid communication medium designed to provide safe communication between parents. The family courts aren't educated in how to handle domestic violence cases and the women and children who are caught up in the system aren't being properly protected. They heard the word abuse and flagged our case as a 'high conflict' divorce and we were forced to take the cookie cutter solution of a co-parenting course at The Layne Project. I privately went and spoke to them to ask if I could not sit in the same class as my ex for fear of my safety and well-being. I was told by the owner to essentially "get over it". My ex's failure to show up wound up in my favor so I didn't have to be in the same classes as him but I had to find a babysitter and pay $800 to listen to some strangers read from a book about getting along as co-parents. Not a single word applied to our situation.
The Layne Project (TLP) was also in charge of the supervised visits. They were constantly trying to schedule over the three hour limit the court had ordered and let his mother come to a visit directly violating the judge's ruling. Moreover TLP allowed him to break several of their own in house rules, like videotaping our daughter. Here was a place that was supposed to be there for us in a time of need and make me and my daughter feel comfortable during the visits and instead it was very clear they only cared about the high prices they were charging. You questioned any of their methods and their immediate answer is "it was court ordered". Because the court had appointed them as the supervisors they felt they were above providing a good service because essentially we had no other choice. It was one of the most heart-breaking experiences I've been through. Now come Friday, the GAL gets to make a decision based off of these "court reports" on the visits if it can go unsupervised or not.
The laws surrounding domestic violence are incredibly broken, and Abusers rarely get charged and even when they do they often are just fined and then are free to go and find someone new to abuse. The best the law offers victims is a restraining order (in many states only lasting a year) and when a person is hell bent on harming another a piece of paper doesn't offer much protection. I was also informed by several lawyers that it would make me look bad by filing for one, looking like I'm trying to sway the courts one way. By the time the abuse has escalated to a life-threatening level where the law will finally take notice, it's too late for many women. The law has left the victims to play a cat and mouse game with the abuser for their lives without interfering until they are killed. By law, abusers don't always get their parenting rights taken away, so not only is the law putting these children directly in harms way but they are forcing women to coordinate custody with their former abusers, leaving them at the mercy of their abusers again and again. The courts are handing over these abusers the perfect manipulation tool-the children. Mothers are left to be manipulated by the abuser with the threat of the wellbeing of their kids. The courts have put these abusive men's parenting rights above the women and children's rights to safety and freedom from abuse.
Parenting is a privilege not a right. The law is overlooking the actual best interest of these children by applying its general blanket statement that it's best for the children to know both parents. When one parent is abusive the child's physical, emotional and mental well-being are at risk. Children who are victims or witnesses to domestic abuse are more likely to end up in jail, commit suicide, have mental disorders or be abusive themselves. Does that sound like a fair trade for "getting to know" both parents? I guarantee you these judges and lawyers wouldn't let an abusive person babysit their child. So, why is it okay for them to subject another's child to that toxic situation?
Something needs to change. It has to.
I'm not asking for him to go to jail.
I'm not even asking him to never have contact with our daughter again.
I'm just asking them to allow for my daughter to be safe.
My daughter and I are still fighting our battle and it's far from over. I filed for bifurcation and got a divorce before the parenting arrangement was settled. We are still fighting over the parenting agreement in court. To date my ex has only come to see our daughter three times in a limited supervised setting, but he has now filed a motion to get unsupervised.
Through the court I am being forced to put up with his continued harassment through messaging and court ordered Skype calls with our daughter. They are trying to force me into joint "co-parent meetings"with him. Every visit he has come to see her he has stalked me and circled the building waiting for me to come get our daughter, 15 minutes after he was supposed to have left the premises. I reported this to The Layne Project (the organization responsible for ensuring the safety of my daughter during his visits) every time and yet nothing has been done to prevent it or assure my daughter and I's safety.
I was told by lawyers on multiple occasions that I needed to downplay the abuse in court because it made ME look bad for being with him in the first place. Once I was even told that he had been abusive to ME, that didn't necessarily make him a bad father. Our society is quick to victim blame and creates a culture these abusers thrive in. There is no real punishment for their actions. He had to be court ordered twice to pay child support and still refused yet nothing happened. I was working 50+ hours a week and still couldn't make ends meet and yet I was the one having to jump through hoops for him (even paying for part of his supervised visits when we were receiving no support in return). His wages finally had to be garnished. I was court-ordered to give him our daughter's daycare information ("because a father should have the right to call and check in") and within hours of receiving it he called and tried to get my pick up/drop off times and even threatened to show up. He called in pretending to be someone else and asked about their video monitoring system. I was terrified for my daughter's safety and immediately told our court appointed GAL (the lawyer appointed by the court to look out for the child's best interest) and she never followed up on this and simply said it was on her 'to-do list'. This was in October, it was never looked in to. I asked the owner of the day care if they could write out what he had said on the phone and yet again I was met with a "we don't want to get involved".
We were court ordered to only communicate through a third party e-mail server and limited to just updates on our daughter. He would send me countless harassing emails. Not once did anyone read or follow-up on these. This third party server, "Family Wizard" is a paid communication medium designed to provide safe communication between parents. The family courts aren't educated in how to handle domestic violence cases and the women and children who are caught up in the system aren't being properly protected. They heard the word abuse and flagged our case as a 'high conflict' divorce and we were forced to take the cookie cutter solution of a co-parenting course at The Layne Project. I privately went and spoke to them to ask if I could not sit in the same class as my ex for fear of my safety and well-being. I was told by the owner to essentially "get over it". My ex's failure to show up wound up in my favor so I didn't have to be in the same classes as him but I had to find a babysitter and pay $800 to listen to some strangers read from a book about getting along as co-parents. Not a single word applied to our situation.
The Layne Project (TLP) was also in charge of the supervised visits. They were constantly trying to schedule over the three hour limit the court had ordered and let his mother come to a visit directly violating the judge's ruling. Moreover TLP allowed him to break several of their own in house rules, like videotaping our daughter. Here was a place that was supposed to be there for us in a time of need and make me and my daughter feel comfortable during the visits and instead it was very clear they only cared about the high prices they were charging. You questioned any of their methods and their immediate answer is "it was court ordered". Because the court had appointed them as the supervisors they felt they were above providing a good service because essentially we had no other choice. It was one of the most heart-breaking experiences I've been through. Now come Friday, the GAL gets to make a decision based off of these "court reports" on the visits if it can go unsupervised or not.
The laws surrounding domestic violence are incredibly broken, and Abusers rarely get charged and even when they do they often are just fined and then are free to go and find someone new to abuse. The best the law offers victims is a restraining order (in many states only lasting a year) and when a person is hell bent on harming another a piece of paper doesn't offer much protection. I was also informed by several lawyers that it would make me look bad by filing for one, looking like I'm trying to sway the courts one way. By the time the abuse has escalated to a life-threatening level where the law will finally take notice, it's too late for many women. The law has left the victims to play a cat and mouse game with the abuser for their lives without interfering until they are killed. By law, abusers don't always get their parenting rights taken away, so not only is the law putting these children directly in harms way but they are forcing women to coordinate custody with their former abusers, leaving them at the mercy of their abusers again and again. The courts are handing over these abusers the perfect manipulation tool-the children. Mothers are left to be manipulated by the abuser with the threat of the wellbeing of their kids. The courts have put these abusive men's parenting rights above the women and children's rights to safety and freedom from abuse.
Parenting is a privilege not a right. The law is overlooking the actual best interest of these children by applying its general blanket statement that it's best for the children to know both parents. When one parent is abusive the child's physical, emotional and mental well-being are at risk. Children who are victims or witnesses to domestic abuse are more likely to end up in jail, commit suicide, have mental disorders or be abusive themselves. Does that sound like a fair trade for "getting to know" both parents? I guarantee you these judges and lawyers wouldn't let an abusive person babysit their child. So, why is it okay for them to subject another's child to that toxic situation?
Something needs to change. It has to.
I'm not asking for him to go to jail.
I'm not even asking him to never have contact with our daughter again.
I'm just asking them to allow for my daughter to be safe.
If you have time watch this Ted talks video. This strong woman says it so much better than me. I cried the first time I watched this because I could relate to every word she said. https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave
- http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org
- http://www.thehotline.org
- http://www.ncadv.org
- http://www.safehorizon.org
